A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy shares the red flags you’re coping with someone who seems empathic, but is definitely narcissistic.
They are superficially glib and charming in relation to expressing empathy in your pain when it advantages them, or when their image may be enhanced. However, in relation to validating your emotions, they may be cruel, aloof, and callous.
Research indicates that each narcissistic and psychopathic individuals are inclined to possess cognitive empathy – the power to discover and discern what others are feeling, considering, and desiring. They can weaponize this cognitive empathy against others to raised manipulate them into serving their needs. What they lack is affective empathy – the power and willingness to care concerning the emotions, needs, or desires of others unless it advantages them personally. That is why you may meet a narcissistic person on a date who seems to initially express an excellent deal of sympathy for you and others because they’ve a hidden agenda (e.g. wanting to impress you to sleep with you, present a false enhanced image of themselves, or get you invested in a relationship with them) but suddenly behaves coldly and callously when it doesn’t profit them. For example, later down the road you may call them to precise distress, or hold them accountable for disrespecting you, and so they invalidate and gaslight you, or kick you once you’re down, displaying a shocking level of indifference. People who’re genuinely empathic don’t just “switch off” their empathy with out a valid reason (i.e. the exception being you mistreated them too repeatedly for them to increase compassion and so they now hold stronger boundaries). Truly empathic people still take care of others even when the problems of others don’t affect them personally. In fact, their empathy makes them feel the pain of others on a deep level, and so they exit of their method to not cause harm to others, even by chance. Set a boundary with a narcissist, alternatively, and so they shall be wanting to trespass them and violate you.
A discrepancy between their words, actions, and nonverbal expressions that reveal their sadistic nature.
Let’s say you’re confiding in a narcissistic friend that you simply’ve just broken up together with your boyfriend. The friend verbally tells you, “I’m so sorry,” but this phrase is accompanied by a sadistic smile and visual enjoyment of their eyes. Perhaps they appear to be they’re holding back laughter. Or perhaps you tell your co-worker you only got a promotion, and so they inform you a half-hearted congratulations while giving a pained smile and an envious glare. Later, that very same co-worker tries to sabotage you. What just happened? You just caught the microexpressions of a sadistic, manipulative individual. Maybe this friend was already flirting together with your boyfriend behind your back or was envious of your happiness – and far like several narcissistic or psychopathic individual, they’re experiencing duping delight at conning you into believing they were a real friend. Maybe that co-worker felt they deserved that promotion as an alternative and didn’t care how hard you worked or how much merit you may have. When it involves communication, it’s not only the verbal expressions that matter – it’s the tone of their voice, their gestures, their facial expressions, the subtle cues that permit you’re within the presence of somebody dangerous and sadistic – someone who not only lacks empathy for any difficulties you undergo, but is definitely hoping and praying in your downfall because they’re envious of the way you surpass them.
They repeat harmful behavior regardless of how repeatedly you express it hurts you. They have an inability to take accountability for his or her actions that harm you – while punishing you for calling it out.
Let’s say you by chance step on someone’s toe. They call out in pain, and also you immediately apologize, feeling remorseful. Would you wait five minutes, after which rush to step on their toe again? Of course not! The only case you’d repeat harmful behavior against a person who has expressed their distress is that if it wasn’t accidental – provided that it was purposeful and deliberate. When a narcissistic person has the data at hand that lets them know what hurts you, the past traumas you may have, or any wounds or insecurities – and so they still use that information against you as a way to belittle and demean you, regardless of how repeatedly you’ve expressed it’s harmful, exactly what sort of person you’re coping with. If you’re coping with someone who gets hyper-defensive any time they’re gently held accountable, regardless of how politely or graciously you bring this issue up, you’re not coping with someone who’s emotionally validating, empathic, or mature. A one that possesses empathy would feel real remorse at hurting someone innocent. A narcissistic or psychopathic person rejoices in harming the innocent, regardless of how much that person has done for them. Being overly kind and empathic to a conscienceless individual who only shows you cruelty in return only leads to harm for the empathic person. Don’t be gaslit and don’t gaslight yourself into believing someone who appears empathic is when their actions and patterns of behavior suggest otherwise. Be aware of the red flags and set healthy boundaries.
