Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This

Loneliness means we’re journeying through life solo. In the words of the Bible, loneliness hits probably because we lack a friend “who’s as [precious to us as] our own souls” (Deuteronomy 13:6, AMP). 

As precious to us as our own souls? Whoa! What a tall order.

Few relationships would fit. Can you classify coworkers and acquaintances as “friends who’re like your soul mates” (ISV) when all you do is chat about casual things with them? 

Here’s why the query I asked initially is price considering. I attended the 2024 Christian Association for Psychological Studies (CAPS) conference and learned a few sobering study on the well-being of pastors and their spouses. These researchers discovered pastors who had more close friends also endorsed fewer depression symptoms. They felt more satisfied in ministry. 

Granted, pastors are unique. Their leadership role sets them other than the remaining of the church. However, this position’s infinite demands often intrude into the pastors’ personal lives and impact their families, further pressuring them, which explains their need for close confidantes.

But the necessity for true friends isn’t limited to only clergy. God created all humans to be relational beings. And so, it is smart for all of us to want a trusted friend. Whether you lead a Fortune 500 company, a tribe of young humans still at home, or are somewhere in between, even in case your life is comparatively drama-free, you’ll still profit from having an ally.

Friendship increases life satisfaction. In contrast, loners have been found to be twice as prone to die prematurely. Research shows baring your heart to a buddy can lower blood pressure during stressful situations.

But how can we find that form of friend? 

Here are three ideas:

1. Old Friends

Did you meet someone who then became an in depth friend earlier in life? Cherish that friendship. Work through any rift that may need ripped you two apart in the midst of time. Old friendships—that’s, connections we made while we were younger—offer a richness that might be missing from those fostered in maturity. 

As Scripture says, “never abandon a friend” (Proverbs 27:10, NLT). Don’t discard an old friendship within the face of quarrels.

But friendships, obviously, fall under the umbrella of relationships, and conflicts inside relationships are notoriously tricky to resolve. So, for those who feel stumped by the schism between you and your friend, email me your dilemma. The Ask Dr. Audrey’s Advice Column might offer the balm it’s good to soothe the cracks in your friendship.

If there isn’t any squabble separating you out of your old friends, wonderful. I’m blissful for you. Still, please don’t take your pals as a right. Keep working in your friendships. Whether it’s a fast “miss you!” text or a heartfelt video chat, cherish your pals. Let them understand how appreciative you’re of them.

2. Risk a “Yes”

Remember the conference I told you about earlier? I presented on—what else?—Internal Family System (IFS), my favorite therapy modality. Afterward, while browsing the book tables, I bumped into certainly one of the individuals who attended my workshop. We chatted about IFS before she dropped an unexpected query: “Would you want to come back to my birthday celebration?”

I didn’t know this lady. At all. Plus, the party was on the hotel where the conference was held. Because I stayed at a unique property—and the forecast called for rain for the remaining of the day—RSVP-ing yes may need meant being drenched as I walked to the party and back.

There were many reasons to beg off, but I’m so glad I risked a “yes”!

I didn’t understand it then, but my agreement unlocked a roomful of joy. The birthday celebration ended up feeling like a clean comedy show. As a gift for the birthday girl, every guest was speculated to share two truths and a lie while the group guessed the lie. Because some were expert storytellers, stories about squirrels and singing captivated us while others crafted creative jabs and poked innocent fun as more stories flowed.

The evening erupted into one raucous laughter after one other.

But how does my experience affect you?

The next time the possibility to socialize arises, risk a yes. Pray and make sure it with God first, in fact, but unless you are feeling a transparent “no” from the Almighty, lean in your yes. 

You might make just a few friends that way.

3. Initiate 

May I indulge you with yet another story from the eventful party? This one originated from the birthday girl herself. These parties, she explained, began because her birthday was lonely. No friend was around to have fun her blissful day.

“Why don’t you invite just a few people out and treat them to a pleasant meal?” her husband advised. “Not McDonald’s.”

She listened to his advice and gained a gaggle of close friends because of this.

Let’s apply this idea to you.

If you lack true friends, volunteer yourself to be one. No have to wait until someone offers you the gift of friendship. Instead, initiate the method. Stretch your comfort zone and get to know others. Be generous in spending your time with them. Buy them a Christmas gift. Surprise them with a present card for his or her birthday. 

Keep nourishing that latest friendship until it won’t be that latest anymore, and before you know it, you’ll have an in depth friend to share life with.

Take it from the party I attended. One reason it felt special was since the guests kept showing up at the identical conference, and the identical birthday celebration, for years. By the time I arrived, the bond between them—and the birthday girl—had been clearly established.  

It Takes One

There is a flicker of hope arising from the research on pastors I cited earlier. Whether it’s them or their spouses, the researchers discovered it took having just one friend to enhance the lives of those study participants. 

Imagine that! We don’t have to have an in depth friend in every state to enhance our welfare. It only takes one. 

Scripture confirms that friendship isn’t about quantity but quality. “An individual of too many friends involves destroy,” warns Proverbs 18:24 (NASB). 

Moral of the story?

If you’re an extrovert, don’t let your natural ability to socialize backfire. Collecting a formidable variety of contacts is great, but advance only the correct individuals into your inner circle. “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Don’t let those you call friends corrupt your decisions regarding God or life basically.

And for those who’re an introvert, endure the discomfort that comes with reaching out to make latest friends. Extroverts might rate this sort of activity as less nerve-wracking than you, but that’s okay. Scale down the hassle if it’s good to. You only need one good friend, remember?

No matter your tendency, and whether the friendships you’re working on are quite old or brand latest, cultivate them. Check in on your pals. Forgive. 

And now, for those who’ll excuse me, I want to plot out my two truths and one lie. 

My latest friend’s next birthday celebration awaits!

Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Elle Hughes

Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you wish her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.