A researcher specializing in narcissism reveals the eight commonest red flag text messages from narcissists and what they really mean.
I’m super busy / I don’t have time for this.
When the narcissist first love-bombs you, they appear to have on a regular basis on the earth to speak with you. They reply to your every message inside minutes, seem anxious while you take a break from communicating with them, and answer your questions with lengthy, heartfelt replies. Not only do they seem to actively drop anything they’re doing to answer you, they appear to carve out large amounts of time to cater to you and get to know you. After they’ve “hooked” you, nonetheless, their communication patterns shift abruptly in ways in which provide you with emotional whiplash. They suddenly view your easy attempts to speak with them as a hindrance, burden, and inconvenience. This is different from actually being busy, as even the busiest person on the earth knows methods to communicate their time restrictions with grace and respect. Even overscheduled doctors and presidents of nations find the time to text their wives, and in the event that they’re empathic, they definitely don’t lash out at their partners for asking for an evidence after a protracted absence. The narcissist, then again, lashes out with a fury and frustration that shocks their victims with its cruelty throughout the devaluation phase of the connection after they are asked why they’re behaving so unusually. They will accuse you of being clingy and gaslight you into believing you are within the flawed for becoming accustomed to the extent of responsiveness they arrange so that you can expect in the primary place. They insult you for asking for basic respect. If anything, they were those who were “needy” after they were love bombing you and ardently pressuring you to answer to them. They trained and conditioned you to at all times expect a timely response and now punish and degrade you for reacting to their deliberate withdrawal and withholding of their time.
Good morning beautiful/handsome.
This is a standard love bombing phrase narcissists use early on to groom you in the connection. They will send this or a variation of this text (perhaps with a personalised nickname or other compliment) every morning to coach you into associating them with every morning greeting. This is an insidious way they infiltrate your life whether you wish them to or not. Their hope is that you’ll start off daily with them in your mind – they usually hope it’s their presence that can affect you throughout the day. They will even be the last ones to wish you good night, ensuring that they’re the last person you think that of before heading to sleep. Early on, they’ll declare you might be their “soulmate” and speak in awe about how they’ve a lot in common with you. This slowly but surely creates a fake sense of intimacy with the narcissist that they know will feel like a “loss” once they devalue and discard you in the connection. As they start to withhold these “good morning” and “good night” texts over time, they know you’ll be tempted to overexert yourself and try and re-gain their approval and validation, even when you weren’t that invested in the connection to start with. That’s because narcissists know that when you are sensitive to any sense of “rejection,” you’ll wonder why the one that seemed so besotted with you one minute is suddenly treating you callously the subsequent.
I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve you.
The narcissist is just half-lying on this text message. It’s quite true they don’t deserve you – but they’re hardly genuinely sorry for his or her horrific actions against you; in the event that they were, they’d have taken sustainable, long-term actions to repair the connection and made amends. Narcissists drop a “I’m sorry” apology text after abusive incidents and every time they need to feign remorse to get you hooked back into the connection. This is a low-effort text they send after they want to have interaction in hot-and-cold behavior and conveniently get back in your good side. They drop the “I don’t deserve you” text not because they really feel that way (many actually feel entitled to empathic, attractive, loving, and type partners corresponding to yourself) but because they need you to feel sorry for them and prove them otherwise. They want you to heighten your love and compassion toward them and say, “Of course you deserve me! I like you and can do anything for you and this relationship!” They want your validation that they’re still a superb person even after they’re acting like anything but.
They’re only a friend/co-worker. Nothing to fret about.
Although you were once the middle of the narcissist’s universe and apple of his or her eye, someone that the narcissist once needed to win over and perceived to be out of their league, the narcissist now enjoys having a way of power and control over your emotions. One of probably the most common manipulation tactics they use to disorient you in a romantic relationship is named “jealousy induction” which research shows narcissists and psychopaths deliberately use to destabilize you. This is after they manufacture toxic love triangles to get you to compete over them. They may do that by mentioning past or potential love interests or shady “friends” and “co-workers” they appear to be spending more time with. They do that to impress a response from you – while you do react, they feel smug and self-assured of their false sense of superiority and desirability. They gaslight you and reassure you that these are “just” friends or co-workers you’ve gotten no reason to fret about, accusing you of being insecure and paranoid. Sometimes there really is nothing occurring since the narcissist doesn’t have as many options as they would really like you to think they’ve, but they still want you to be concerned regardless because they enjoy toying together with your emotions. They want you to fear losing them so that you simply’ll be more flexible together with your standards and more compliant to their demands. After all, when you’re too busy competing over a narcissist, you’re also too busy to detach or leave them.
A read receipt followed by silence.
This text message is all concerning the text narcissists don’t send you. Many narcissistic and otherwise toxic people will activate their read receipts for a purpose. They need to weaponize evidence of their newfound neglect and indifference to torment you. That’s why they’ll either at all times have read receipts on from the start (at first to signal their constant availability and swift responsiveness during love-bombing) or turn them on suddenly throughout the devaluation stage. It’s not enough that narcissists are ignoring you or supplying you with the silent treatment: they want you to know you might be being ignored. During this time, they’ll add salt to the wound by purposely posting on social media (including publishing shady stories and posts that appear to covertly reference your relationship or following suspicious people), or communicating with other people and ensuring you might be aware of that (for instance, chances are you’ll notice them lively on a dating app or forum during this time, or hear from a mutual friend that they called them).
I’m so uninterested in this / done with this.
It’s true that victims of narcissists may occasionally use this phrase to specific their disappointment with the narcissist and the undeniable fact that they’re fed up, but narcissists use this classic stonewalling phrase through text to specifically to shut down healthy conversations and to avoid accountability. You can be sent this text message when you’ve gotten done nothing but tried to speak with the narcissist in healthy and fair ways about problems in the connection. For example, chances are you’ll politely bring up the undeniable fact that they never appear to be there for you while you need them although they promised they at all times would. Or chances are you’ll gently share that you simply felt uncomfortable with one in every of their legitimately shady “friendships” that they’re clearly using to impress jealousy in you. In response, a healthy and empathic partner would address your concerns. The narcissist, then again, will gaslight you into considering you’re defective for daring to have any emotions in any respect. They will lash out in rage and end the conversation before it’s even begun, disappearing for hours and even days and weeks – it is a cruel punishment they subject you to simply for voicing these concerns, holding them accountable, or questioning them. Over time, these stonewalling texts teach you to second-doubt yourself and stay silent about your wants, needs, and rights simply to “keep” the connection.
Look, I’ve been serious about this for some time and this just isn’t understanding.
When the narcissist chooses to interrupt up with you over text relatively than in person, they’ll accomplish that in a cowardly way that enables them to pretend to be a superb person even after subjecting you to chronic psychological and emotional abuse. Most narcissists have a “script” when discarding their victims. They may say something like, “Look, I’ve been serious about this for some time,” and proceed to inform you (even after their quite a few attempts at begging for forgiveness after abusive incidents, or proclaiming you’re their soulmate) that they don’t consider you might be a match or compatible and may end things. They will list the way you “can’t take a joke,” are too sensitive, or “at all times think the worst of them” as reasons for the break-up to gaslight you when in point of fact their major reason for the break-up is to determine dominance and control. This is a technique to disguise the long-standing pattern of their abuse as mere “incompatibility” when in point of fact, they lack the empathy and the emotional equipment to be in a relationship with anyone. It’s definitely true that you simply will not be compatible with a narcissist – no lies there – however the narcissist isn’t compatible with anyone as a consequence of their lack of empathy. Unbeknownst to the victim, even the break-up is a “test” – a technique to see whether you’ll chase after them and beg for his or her attention. A “text” break-up is usually orchestrated to traumatize you into settling for less and narcissists expect you to attempt to make up with them afterward and can rarely leave you alone without attempting to provoke you post-breakup.
How are you? I’ve been serious about you. I miss you and I don’t need to lose you.
Narcissists normally return for a second or third “round” of abusive tactics even after they’ve supposedly broken up with you. Research indicates they often stay connected to their exes for access to sex and resources. They don’t want you moving forward and need ultimate power over your life within the aftermath of the break-up and recovery process. That’s why throughout the connection they’ll text you saying they don’t need to lose you or the connection, only to discard you callously; they need to train you to be depending on their validation and keep you off-kilter. They proceed the cycle by reaching out even after you’ve exited the connection and particularly in the event that they fear you’re becoming blissful without them or pursuing a latest partner. They send these mixed signals to maintain you ceaselessly “hooked” and trauma bonded to them. If you receive a “check-in” and “miss you” text from a narcissist who has repeatedly mistreated you, make no mistake: they are attempting to see in the event that they can ensnare you into the cycle over again, only to punish you much more harshly for giving them one other probability. Make sure you don’t text back or look back. You deserve higher.