5 ways to set Unhealthy borders

I wrote about ways to set the essential – healthy – boundaries. But the quote above sparked a recent thought: if there are healthy limits, there must even be unhealthy ones.

Unfortunately, dozens of harmful strategies contaminate our interactions. Despite different details, all unhealthy boundaries have one thing in common – negativity tends to germinate within the strategy of setting and enforcing those boundaries. Somewhere.

It can present itself in the shape of feelings (reminiscent of not wanting to say “yes” under pressure) or bodily sensations and symptoms that make you are feeling bad. But this antagonistic response can and infrequently results in strained relationships.

Consider these five unhealthy boundaries for example:

1. Driven by fear

In certain circumstances – reminiscent of when it is advisable outrun a cougar on a hike – fear could be useful to motivate your legs to pump faster. However, normally, authorizing fear to administer the decision-making process is prone to backfire.

Let’s apply this principle to our topic. Let’s say the pastor’s wife asks you to embellish the sanctuary for Easter. The thing is, you have already committed to hosting an egg hunt on the church for the children, and now it is your turn to host the clan for a festive meal this yr.

Just the considered spending all those hours – plus decorating the church – fascinates and exhausts each of you.

But then a thought involves mind. How are you able to reject your personal pastor? Don’t you should be irreplaceable within the Church? Useful?

If that pondering makes you nod, beware. You are on the verge of crossing your border because of fear of individuals (Deuteronomy 1:17, Proverbs 29:25, Isaiah 51:12, John 7:13). This broad concept encompasses many fears – of disappointing others, losing their acceptance, fearing their anger – and is a typical unhealthy frontier.

2. Lying to get away

Is there anyone in your world who makes a speciality of being pushy? Maybe it’s Ashley, who insists on dropping by on a random Wednesday because she’s bored. Never mind that you have just crawled through three encounters with offended executives back-to-back and also you’re able to take a bubble bath and tame Bublé.

Experience demands that in case you explained how exhausted you were, your friend would respond with an excellent excuse as to why she should still come over – something like her bringing a takeaway dinner, it was an eternity, and besides, she won’t be staying long.

So you are lying. “I even have COVID.”

You’ll find that it’s the best solution to avoid having to please Ashley.

However, the Lord hates deceptive language (Proverbs 6:16-17). Lying to eliminate an unwanted visitor will make it easier to provide you with one other lie next time. Who’s to say a determined – or dimwitted – Ashley won’t provide you with a repeat performance? However, based on Scripture, liars qualify as those that will spend eternity within the lake of fireplace (Revelation 21:8).

Saying no takes fortitude, however it’s definitely worth the practice.

3. Triangulation

Bear with me as I proceed the analogy.

Suppose your friend barged in anyway, hijacked your evening despite your lie about COVID. (She’s double-strengthened and recovered from COVID herself, Ashley murmured.)

If her behavior annoys you a lot that you just write to a different friend about it, you have just triangulated your conflict.

As the word suggests, triangulation is when three people dance together. Instead of confronting A, the one we’ve problems with, we complain to A to B.

Involving one other person in your displeasure from the beginning can complicate matters and is certainly unbiblical. Proverbs 25:9 we read: “Discuss your case along with your neighbor and tell nobody your secret” (NKJV).

4. Excessive sharing

Do you are inclined to over-share?

Pay attention to how others react after sharing. If you consistently get anything aside from a warm response, it’s possible you shared too many intimate details too soon.

If this phenomenon describes you, ask yourself why you are inclined to act this manner. Don’t try to seek out the reply – just ask and wait for an internal answer. Is there something in you that craves acceptance? Attention? Liking?

Unfortunately, over-sharing won’t make this stuff any easier. This can only discourage others from attending to know you higher.

Think of setting boundaries with recent friends as bringing them into your own home.

A stranger should only be received on the porch (and tell superficial things like where you’re employed and what you do).

In contrast, a buddy you have met a number of times may come into your apartment. Why don’t you two talk within the front room. It is suitable to elucidate more intimate details about yourself, reminiscent of why you selected to pursue your occupation despite the pressures of running a family business.

When that person proves over time that she or he is worthy of a more in-depth friendship, go ahead and entertain them in your kitchen – where you’ll be able to each exchange candid stories.

5. Retaliation

“Borders aren’t a solution to punish those we don’t love.” This Instagram post got the comment I shared at first.

The idea seems easy. Whether it’s because we have underlined enough sentences in books related to boundaries, or we instinctively understand it, it is sensible not to make use of our boundaries against another person.

But in case you get into an unresolved argument and time only dumps more misunderstandings and heartbreaks, it may well be tempting to retaliate.

This is the thing. Some may not call it retaliation and use euphemisms as a substitute, reminiscent of “I would like to stop talking to Ashley for my sanity.”

Which sounds good, especially to a psychologist like me. Mental health is a worthwhile commodity that should be protected.

But will there be time and place for personal – though sincere – reflections? What is the true reason to your decision to attract this particular boundary? Does the punishment fit the crime, so to talk?

Arming borders won’t ever result in a thriving relationship since it is contradictory Romans 12:18“If possible, so far as it relies on you, live in harmony with everyone.”

Relieve the unhealthy

Anyone can learn the abilities essential to set healthy boundaries. But if that thought seems overwhelming, listed here are some starting points you’ll be able to take:

-If you are tapped, name it. Don’t let shame make you accept one other task, volunteer an additional day, or commit to anything you haven’t got the bandwidth to do. God never asks you to honor the leadership of your churchso decline your pastor’s request if need be.

–When you might have to say no to unyielding souls – consider Ashley above – stand your ground. Say no with courage.

–Share precious details of your life only with people you trust. Jesus tells us, “Do not give what’s holy to dogs; don’t throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they could step on them, turn around and tear you apart.”Matthew 7:6). It’s not about comparing anyone to animals, but there is a time for the whole lot (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Reveal intimate details only when the time is true.

–Always attempt to resolve misunderstandings. Follow the steps in Matthew 18:15-17.

The last point requires resolving a conflict that usually intimidates lots of us. (Perhaps that is why there are such a lot of resources on the topic.) However, in case you like freebies, download it bonus chapter Down Surviving difficult peopleand you’ll receive easy-to-use, short instructions.

With practice, you’ll be able to rework anything in your life that contributes to setting – or maintaining – unhealthy boundaries.

Take it from someone who he lied set its boundary.

Image credit: ©Getty Images/AaronAmat