When I first discovered I used to be HIV positive, it was a blow. Living with HIV was like walking a tightrope. It was a case of always attempting to balance hiding it from everyone while attempting to stay connected but avoiding the fear of rejection and stigmatization. At first I felt I had to cover my status like a secret hidden in my heart. But as I learned to like and accept myself, I spotted that my status is part of me, like a badge on my sleeve that tells my story. A story I don’t desire to be ashamed of.
Dating is a difficult aspect of living with HIV that each positive person has to face. It’s like a relentless negotiation, trying to search out someone who will accept all parts of you, including your status. When I finally plucked up the courage to disclose my status to a possible partner, it felt like an act of religion because I didn’t really imagine that I might be loved. Some accepted and desired to walk the tightrope with me, while others turned away. But with each disclosure, I felt lighter and freer. It was as if a weight had been lifted, making room for more love and bonding. But most significantly, in the method, I began to simply accept myself. Right now I’m on dating apps and specializing in connecting, constructing friendships and honest disclosure.
Living with HIV has also taught me the importance of community. I now understand how much people can show their love and support while you need it most, the people in my life pick me up once I stumble and I’m grateful for that. Some people were like anchors, keeping me regular and grounding me within the stigma. Others were like balloons, lifting me up and reminding me of the great thing about life. And some were like mirrors, reflecting strength and resilience I didn’t know existed.
Revealing my status to friends was like revealing a component of myself that I had hidden for too long. The a part of me that had been so insulated from having to maintain my status a secret was finally able to let others in. Some were surprised, some curious, and a few scared. I lost a very good friend that I loved and cherished, but I suppose I learned a tough lesson about one-sided relationships. Fortunately, those that stayed around helped me grow to be more resilient with love and support, they usually are those who’ve grow to be like family. They help me balance and I in turn help them with their very own struggles because I’m mentally present to achieve this.
Living with HIV is just not easy because stigma holds a big a part of your identity, but it surely has taught me to simply accept my vulnerability and use it as a strength. Facing the stigma is each scary and exhilarating, scary because there remains to be a lot misinformation on the market. Joyful because I feel a purpose in letting other positive people know that they aren’t alone. It has taught me to be honest and authentic, to hunt the support and resources I want, and to cherish the moments of affection and joy that make the journey worthwhile.
