You may wonder why you might have so many conflicting emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in relation to trauma, especially should you were traumatized by a manipulative narcissist. The Internal family systems model created by the therapist Dr. Richard Schwartzassumes that all of us have “inner parts” that fall into three predominant categories: deportees, managers and firefighters. These inner parts are discrete facets of our personality or “subpersonalities” that serve vital functions of survival and protection. They form an “inner family” in our mind.
When these inner parts are healthy, unburdened and in a position to contribute to our well-being and survival without using maladaptive strategies, this internal system might be successfully directed by the core “I”, the compassionate, calm, focused, connected and grounded “I” that all of us have inside us. Every inner part wants something positive for the core of the self, but it might probably go to extremes or use maladaptive strategies to realize its goals, especially if it has been shaped by trauma. These inner parts can reveal themselves through behaviors, thoughts, emotions, images, sensations, and more, and supply feedback to the “I” that may guide the choices that “I” make. When loaded with injuries and triggers, these inner parts can behave in extreme ways in which harm us, though their intentions are frequently to defend, protect, and guide us back to safety.
This evidence-based model of psychotherapy is groundbreaking, especially in relation to conceptualizing the impact of childhood trauma on our behavior. However, less is alleged about how this model also can inform us relationships with narcissistic or psychopathic people. When we have been traumatized by narcissistic individuals, these inner parts can come into conflict and “fight” with one another for control, causing our inextricable traumatic relationship with a narcissist (a bond that develops as a survival mechanism) to turn into even stronger in some cases.
Here’s how our inner parts can influence our attachment to narcissists:
Exiles carry the pain of childhood traumas and search for a rescuer. These younger inner parts often carry the burden of childhood traumas, including the primal terror, pain, shame, wounds, memories, and fear of those traumas. The inner parts of exiles are especially sensitive and delicate; they might seek confirmation, reassurance, comfort, and feel the necessity to tell and take heed to their story.
The inner parts of the exile could have an intense desire to avoid abandonment and cling to the narcissist out of fear of being abandoned again and having to confront childhood trauma alone. These parts can turn into especially perpetrator-related trauma they usually come to see the abuser as their “saviour”, though the abuser can also be the source of their current pain and trauma. Because a narcissistic or psychopathic abuser creates a cycle of harm and rescue intermittent reinforcement with their victims, your “exiled” inner parts can turn into seriously agitated to make frantic attempts to avoid abandonment and seek validation from the abuser, though you understand that person is chronically hurting you. This could cause you to return to the connection many times, even when it becomes unhealthy and destructive.
Managers they’re the inner parts of the defenders that proactively try to manage situations and relationships to stop exiles from experiencing pain in the primary place by reducing the chance of triggers. They attempt to “shield” the younger parts and their wounds from exposure to the hazards of the world. These are the overall managers of our mental landscape, avoiding situations that might cause pain in your “younger” inner parts of exile to enter consciousness and disrupt your each day life. They may do that through perfectionism, caring, being above average, continuously pursuing goals (for instance, by over-exercising or overworking), pleasing people, being codependent, or engaging in hypercritical and aggressive behavior towards others with a view to control them.
In relation to the narcissist, your manager’s inner parts may attempt to stifle any deep wounds from showing up by internalizing the abuse and blaming themselves or trying to manage the narcissist. They may assume a caregiver role with the narcissist to attempt to “babysit” or educate the narcissist back into an empath, which frequently proves fruitless. You also can micromanage and over-criticize the narcissist to attempt to “prevent” the abuse from happening.
The internal parts of the manager also can cause excessive attempts to repair or improve myself attempting to avoid being abused by the narcissist, making excuses or defenses, or engaging in people pleasing or cajoling to maintain the connection going so the pain of losing the narcissist doesn’t interfere with other facets of your life. Due to the inner parts of your supervisor, you could even be forced to distract yourself from what is happening as a result of excessive achievement or pursuit of goals, unwillingness to confront the truth of the abuse that’s going down.
Unfortunately, which means that all of your efforts are put into surviving the connection, not breaking away from it, which makes it difficult break the bond of trauma and get out of dangerous situations. Some survivors of narcissism may additionally have inner manager parts that forgo relationships altogether to avoid risking any pain in any respect.
Firemen also they are the protectors of the inner parts that immediately reply to the pain of the inner parts of exile by engaging in addictions and distractions. When the exiles are aroused by overwhelming emotions, this group of inner parts tries to place out the “fires” immediately and tries to divert attention from these emotions and calm them down. The firefighter’s inner parts may use various addictions or self-injury as an escape and dissociation from traumas reminiscent of drug use, alcohol use, sex, binge eating, or cutting.
When you’re with a narcissistic or psychopathic person, your inner fireman parts can force you to disassociate yourself from the abuse and interact in extreme behaviors and addictions to numb the pain of the toxic cycle of abuse. They also can cause you to turn into overly involved within the pleasures that this relationship provides on occasion (e.g love bombing and sex), while dissociating themselves from the actual abuse. This creates much more powerful biochemical binding to the perpetrator. However, by avoiding pain, these actions can potentially worsen your trauma symptoms and may additionally cause you to disclaim the reality concerning the abuse present in the connection, thereby reinforcing your traumatic bond with the narcissist.
The excellent news is that these inner parts might be relieved in therapy to more effectively serve your boundaries and core values in relationships, even toxic ones. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who focuses on models of internal family systems can assist you higher understand the various roles your inner parts play in those relationships, what emotions and wounds they still carry, and discover the strategies they use to satisfy their met the needs.
When managers are unencumbered, they will potentially use their leadership and talent to proactively balance risks and rewards to higher understand which relationships are price keeping and which needs to be cut off. They can take higher care of themselves than remain the guardians of their tormentors. They can “advise” other inner parts on the way to higher navigate relationships and limits. They also can use their aspirations and goal-achieving abilities to realize the obligatory goals without overextending themselves.
As firefighters transition right into a healthier function, they will take pleasure in rest, leisure, healthy coping skills for emotional regulation, positive distraction from adversity and non-addictive pleasures, and provides themselves healthy rewards after they succeed. When unencumbered, each managers and firefighters can let the younger exiles experience pain and discomfort without attempting to overprotect them.
As the younger parts of the exile catch up with to healing their wounds and releasing their childhood feelings of shame or guilt, and feeling protected and soothed by empathic people, they also can shift right into a more positive role. Without overprotection from managers and firefighters, they’ve the chance to face their pain with healthier ways of coping without feeling destroyed by it. They may experience the discomfort of losing a toxic person without attempting to avoid abandonment and strengthen the trauma bond with the narcissist. They may feel more open to finding validation and luxury from those that show them true empathy and compassion and at last discover a refuge, each inside themselves and in others. They can tell their stories without feeling they’re being silenced or punished by the narcissist.
When all these inner parts work together and communicate with one another without fighting one another, the Core Self can emerge as a compassionate, calm, creative, curious and connected leader who listens to feedback from unencumbered inner parts and directs the inner system back to the protection, care and well-being it has at all times deserved.
