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A letter to single women who want eligible men to be more mature

I married Redwood.

No, this isn’t an article about gardening. I’ll get to your annoyance with immature men later, but may I start by sharing my lonely journey with John?

Before my husband, my single status appeared like a parasite that I could not eradicate. This freeloader accompanied me throughout college, college, after getting my license, and even after starting private practice.

My peers were busy getting married, assembling IKEA furniture, and skipping sleep to look after newborns. Some even went thus far as to divorce their first spouse and marry one other.

Guess who was dragging her sister to birthday parties and social gatherings through all this?

Yes. Your latest friend has definitely walked through the desert of loneliness.

It’s not like I have not met anyone over time. Elsewhere I actually have written aboutMattevangelist and the way I came upon he wasn’t the just one.

None of the boys we met felt well.

Oh how I wish we could exchange stories about Mr. wrongs. I’m sure you’ll be able to regale me along with your own false starts.

During those lonely years, I asked you lots of questions. Why am I still single? Is something incorrect with me? Will I ever get married?

I imagine you too have your personal versions of those questions.

Perhaps you have gone a step further and compiled an inventory of possible answers to why you are still single – at your age, as well as:

  1. There are not any worthy candidates.

  2. There is indeed something incorrect with you.

  3. Eligible are immature.

Let’s take care of them one after the other.

No decent candidates

Many have dismissed online dating as depressing. Meanwhile, a private meeting with a possible partner appears to be a fairy tale reserved just for romantic novels and comedies.

It’s not helping more women than men go to church. How are you able to hope to fulfill a possible date at church when the pool is so small there’s almost no room for each feet to splash around in?

I understand why you think that there are not any good candidates.

Or fairly, my sister did.

Once, after I doubted my probabilities of finding an honest guy, she jogged my memory, “you simply need one.”

This thought cheered me up. I did not have so far half of Los Angeles or lower my standards take care of non-Christians. All I needed was to trust the Lord to introduce me to the best man.

May her sensible words comfort you too.

Something incorrect with you?

If this query has already haunted you, loosen up. All this proves that you might have an inner critic who speaks loudly about his low opinion of you.

The excellent news is that almost all of planet Earth share your situation. This means that almost all, if not all, hear a critical voice inside them, able to pounce on our chipped tooth, grotesque birthmark, or one million other the reason why they think we’re failing.

Just because you are still single – at your age – doesn’t suggest you are deficient.

Still, it’s sensible to look within the mirror. Introspect. Go inside.

As I’m an authorized IFS therapist, I like to recommend it IFS therapist walk you thru this process. This model has helped many change their lives.

Of course, you’ll be able to seek for a soul yourself. But in case you do, watch out. Don’t fall right into a spiral of shame.

Eligible individuals are immature

At this point, let me return to the Redwoods.

These trees are resistant to a powerful variety of intruders: Fire. Errors. Cold weather.

Well, okay, not exactly freezing. I named it that because I grew up on the equator, where the typical temperature hovers around a nice 80 degrees. All yr.

But back to the Redwoods who just stand there and resist dangerous environments.

And grow – albeit slowly.

Let’s take a selected sequoia for instance. At the time of writing, the tree is 308 feet tall and 1,400 years old. Let me spare you the maths to present you a summary: someone planted this tree in 622 AD, and it has been growing 2.2 inches every year ever since.

Which means the tree grew roughly the width of your bank card every 12 months.

If you had visited him at, say, 35, you may have dismissed the seedling as not very impressive. There can be no noticeable change in height even in case you watched it for an entire week.

But if I told you that within the twenty first century this squat thing would tower over people and even hotels, you may have grimaced as you left.

Which brings me back to the subject at hand.

God drew my attention to their slow growth rate at the best time.

I lent my knowledge to assist my husband overcome a known – but unwanted – problem the day before our visit to Redwoods. However, just before our arrival, one other episode occurred.

My interpretation of this event? John failed to alter quickly enough.

Which in turn triggered my emotional outburst. Why doesn’t John change faster?

Let me translate this sentence to raised fit your situation. Why aren’t eligible men more mature?

Forward with patience

There may indeed be different answers to your query.

You could also be right, and these men must mature a bit before they qualify as marriage material.

Or perhaps the Lord could ask you, as he did me, to take the New Testament seriously—specifically, to let patience do its perfect work (James 1:4NKJV).

For me, this implies appreciating the two.2 inches John has faithfully revamped the past yr.

So what if he still struggles along with his problems? Don’t all of us have our challenges? Besides, I actually have to pay back the credit to whom the credit is due (Romans 13:7). John’s attacks along with his personal thorn within the flesh have lessened in comparison with the early years of our marriage.

The way patience applies to chances are you’ll be different. First, you continue to have to choose who to marry. Whether you are still within the early stages of dating or already engaged, you’ll be able to still ask the Lord to substantiate that you might have the best guy.

When your guy misbehaves or does something that may make you displeased, remember the redwood lesson. It will not be growing fast enough, but that doesn’t suggest it hasn’t reached more maturity today in comparison with a number of moons ago.

I ponder if that is how God sees all his children on the whole. Perhaps His personal policy is to deal with the inch we now have added to our spiritual stature fairly than the failures we now have committed.

Perhaps that’s the reason he’s all the time able to forgive and to present us latest graces every morning (Lamentations 3:22-24).

But I counsel against it.

When your guy disappoints you again, you do not have to get indignant or threaten to depart (unless God has made it clear that you just are to depart).

Instead, pray that he can withstand the pressures of his inner world—not to say the world at large—and proceed to grow. Pray that his faith is not going to fail (Luke 22:32). Pray for yourself and for your personal growth. Pray that chances are you’ll see all the expansion he has made.

Your future self will thanks when, years later, it turns right into a 300-foot-tall spiritual giant.

Image credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

Audrey Davidheiser, doctorate is a licensed psychologist from California, an authorized Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and an IFSI-approved clinical consultant, and writer Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Collide. After founding and leading a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, he now dedicates his practice to survivors of trauma – including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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