Breakups are hard enough, but when your ex keeps coming back but doesn’t appear to to want you step back, it may well be crushing.
It could possibly be an ex-boyfriend or an ex-situation – whatever, either way it hurts and confuses you.
Maybe he starts commenting in your social media accounts, possibly he sends you friendly texts occasionally, possibly he desires to exit for coffee and catch up. If you quit when he desires to check with you or see you, you may be in a devastating cycle of gaining false hope and considering he desires to get back together, only to experience the crushing blow of rejection again when he either disappears or says you, he doesn’t wish to try again.
But why? Why does he keep coming back? Surely that must mean something!
Plenty of women make the error of considering that he keeps coming back because he’s destined for them because he really is her soulmate or twin flame and he just cannot live without her (and all I even have to say is that if he was really meant to be with you then he actually would with you!).
Here’s the reality about why it keeps coming back into your life:
1. He doesn’t wish to feel just like the bad guy.
No guy, no less than no normal, emotionally healthy guy, makes it his goal to interrupt a girl’s heart. He doesn’t wish to hurt you, he desires to consider that you simply’re on the identical page as him and anyone can move on and be completely happy.
A protracted time ago, after I was single, I met a extremely hot guy who was also very smart and nice, hit the spot!
And was cool in me instantly. And provided that things never turned out the best way I wanted, I figured the universe had finally thrown me a bone and I got what I deserved after so a few years of heartache and rejection.
We went on a number of dates, and while we had a good time, it was clear that it wasn’t a match. He was still within the “frat boys” era, regardless that he had long since graduated and I used to be in my early twenties and more serious about dating. It wasn’t nearly having fun, I wanted to search out someone I could check with seriously.
I knew the reality, but he was so hot that I selected to disregard it and move on, but then he wasn’t that surprising to me. Although I saw it coming, I used to be nervous about it. But the show must go on.
Weeks passed after which I unintentionally bumped into him on the streets of New York (it is often hard to not take into consideration things the fitting way after they’re happening, because seriously – what are the percentages?!).
Now, if I could return in time and redo that moment, I’d just be composed and composed, greet him friendly and be on my way. But that is not what I did, I used to be seized with a desperate must get him, to get things back on course. After some flirty and friendly banter, I invited him over for completely happy hour later this week.
He showed up, I attempted to get him back but I failed and I felt like an idiot.
A number of months passed after which he randomly texted me wishing me a Merry Christmas. I immediately thought that meant he was concerned with me again, that he had feelings bubbling to the surface.
But no, nothing got here of it. But he still sent me friendly texts here and there. And I often answered enthusiastically, after which the conversation died down.
So what was his deal?
Well, I met him a number of times at various events a few 12 months after our “relationship” and discovered that he’s just a really nice guy. I didn’t really listen to it while dating because I used to be so focused on him liking me, but he’s only a cute little puppy and I feel he just didn’t wish to feel like a nasty guy over a woman’s apparition. So in his mind he wasn’t really a ghost because he still texted me occasionally. And I’m not giving him a complete pass here. What he did was immature, but like I said, he was still within the fraternity era. And I do not think he realized he was giving me false hope each time he wrote. I actually think he thought it was the fitting thing to do, he didn’t want me to feel like I used to be just rejected.
No guy ever desires to feel just like the bad guy. No guy brags to his friends in regards to the girl he’s just ghosted.
2. Misses you.
Desire, attraction, and feelings of sympathy or love for somebody are complex, these items don’t go on and off like a light-weight switch.
It’s possible that he’s reaching out because he really misses you and misses what you two shared together… but that doesn’t suggest he desires to get back along with you.
My coaching client was going through a fairly amicable parting. She mainly took her guy with no consideration, he got fed up and broke up together with her. He didn’t feel like he was what she wanted, he at all times felt inferior, as if his true self wasn’t adequate. She realized the worth of what she had as soon as he did not have it and desperately wanted it back.
She tried her best but he would not budge and it was clear he would never, his mind was set. She began to maneuver on, but every few months he would seem and text her something that pierced her fragile heart again. He wrote song lyrics about lost love and completely happy memories they shared, or said devastating things like, “I’ve never loved anyone as much as you.” But it wasn’t because he modified his mind, it was because he truly missed her, and sometimes his emotions overcame reason.
Matters of the center are rarely black and white. It’s not so simple as, “I don’t need to be with you, so I don’t need anything to do with you anymore.” You can recognize that somebody isn’t the fitting person, but there are still many things missing about that person.
3. Wants to get entangled…
People have needs…sometimes selfish. And in the event you hear from him occasionally and eventually hook up, but you then don’t hear from him again until at some point he calls and needs to attach… well, you have got your answer as to why he keeps coming back!
It’s a straightforward trap to fall into when it is a compound with explosive chemistry, but not much else to fall back on. Chemistry is very important, but it may well never compensate for fundamental compatibility.
4. The fuel of the ego.
It’s good to be wanted and desired, superb. And sometimes our ego needs that fuel knowing we will still have something.
I’m sure he has lasting feelings too, but when he’s contacting you mainly to gauge how you are feeling about him, he’s probably in search of a pleasant ego stroke.
5. It is comfortable.
The familiar is reassuring, even once we know that the familiar is not right for us. Our hearts and minds will at all times pull us towards a friend. Most people do the identical things every morning, have the identical thoughts all day, assign the identical intending to events, and feel drawn to the identical forms of people, often those that feel famous and reflect the characteristics of vital figures from our past. We are creatures of habit.
He’s especially prone to come back out of comfort or familiarity if it was a long-term relationship or if there’s not much occurring in his life and he feels a hole within the space you left behind.
6. Has an avoidant attachment style.
Here’s the tricky thing with people who find themselves attached to avoidance… if you’re there and also you’re available, they might feel the necessity to run away or move away. But as soon as you are gone, he feels drawn to you.
If you are in an on-again-off-again cycle with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it’s possible they do not really know what they need or the way to manage their needs.
Attachment styles could be managed, nevertheless it requires emotional maturity. If he breaks up with you when he feels overwhelmed and crawls back when he craves intimacy again, it means his attachment style is running the show and he must master it higher.
It is feasible to have a relationship with someone who’s avoidantly attached but must learn to specific what they need as a substitute of cutting you off. He must learn to say, “I want some space,” as a substitute of scaring you or breaking up with you when it looks like an excessive amount of.
7. He still likes you…he just doesn’t like you sufficient.
This is frequently essentially the most confusing of all. He has feelings for you, they simply aren’t strong enough.
This often happens aftersituational“. He either ends things or ghosts… you are devastated, but then he comes back and offers you false hope.
The reason is because he likes you… he finds you cool, attractive, funny and interesting… he just doesn’t like you sufficient to wish to be in a relationship with you.
Now let’s speak about what to do in the event you’re in a situation with a man who just won’t allow you to go.
First, as a substitute of getting mad that he keeps coming back, ask yourself why you retain letting it occur. It’s easy to chop someone out of your life, you may just ignore or block them. But you do not. So ask yourself why.
Why are you letting him play together with your emotions like that? Why do you continue to hope that something could be saved?
If you let him back into your life, he’s probably scratching an itch or fulfilling some need, conscious or unconscious. Get to the foundation.
The fact is, we’re teaching the world the way to treat us. If you let him treat you as a backup option or because the girl he texts with when he’s bored, you may’t really blame him. He only lives by the usual you set.
Then ask yourself: do I really need to be with this man?
Sometimes we get caught up within the ego fuel, in the eye, within the drama of all of it. That was the case with my sweet puppy…he was a pleasant distraction. I used to be so engrossed in attempting to make him like me that I didn’t really ask if I desired to be with him. And deep down I knew it would not work with him, I just didn’t wish to give it some thought.
Now, in the event you’ve decided that he’s the fitting man for you and that you need to give him one other probability… that is nice, but you’ve to understand that he too needs to be on board for that to occur.
To discover where his head is, you are going to need to be a bit of vulnerable and put yourself there and say. Say something like, “Listen, I such as you and I would like to offer it a probability” and see what he says.
If you get vague, no-answers, that is your answer. Don’t be seduced by “possibly”, if it is not certain, you want to let go and move on… or keep torturing yourself, it is your life!
You are given one life, and if someone is ruining your ability to enjoy that life and never treating you the best way you realize you should be treated, you will need to love yourself enough to let it go fully.